(Here's an excerpt from George Carlin's book "Napalm & Silly Putty". It's sort of a dedication to him ever since he died I think. So, enjoy!)

AIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENTS: Part One

Here's something we all have in common: flying on big airplanes and listening to the announcements. And trying to petend the language they're using is English. Doesn't always sound like it to me.

PREFLIGHT

It starts at the gate: "We'd like to begin the boarding process." Extra word. "Process." Not necessary. Boarding is sufficient. "We'd like to begin the boarding." Simple. Tells the story. People add extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are. "Boarding process" sounds important. It isn't. It's just a group of people getting on an airplane.
To begin their boarding process, the airline announces they will preboard certain passengers. And I wonder, How can that be? How can people board before they board? This I gotta see. But before anything interesting can happen I'm told to get on the plane. "Sir, you can get on the plane now. " And I think for a moment. " On the plane? No my friend, not me. I'm not getting on the plane; I'm getting in the plane! Let Evel Knievel get on the plane, I'll be sitting inside in one of those little chairs. It seems less windy in there."
Then they mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I dont care for that sort of thing. Call me old-fashioned, but insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport. Somehow those sudden cornfield stops interfere with the flow of my day. And just about at this, they tell me the flight has been delayed because of a change of equipment. And deep down I'm thinking, "broken plane!"
Speaking of potential mishaps, here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if two planes almost collide it's a near miss. Bulls***, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss.
[WHAM! CHRUNCH!]
"Look, they nearly missed!"
"Yes, but not quite."
Back to the flight: As part of all the continuing folderol, I'm asked to put my seat-back forward. Well, unfortunately for the others in the cabin, I don't bend that way. If I could put my seat-back froward I'd be in porno movies.
There's also a mention of carry-on luggage. The first time I heard this term I thought they said "carrion," and that they were bringing a dead deer on board. And I wondered, :What the hell would they want with that? Don't they have those little TV dinners anymore?" And then I thought, Carry on? "Carry on" Of course! People are going to be carring on! It's a party! Well, I don't much care for that. Personally, I prefer a serious attitude on the plane.
Especially on the flight deck, which is the latest euphemism for cockpit. I can't imagine why they'd want to avoid a colorful word like "cockpit," can you? Especially with all those lovely stewardesses going in and out of it all the time.
By the way, ther's a word that's changed: stewardess. First it was hostess, then stewardess, now it's "flight attendant." You know what I call her? "The lady on the plane." These days, sometimes it's a man on the plane. That's good. Equality. I'm all in favor of that.
The flight attendants are also sometimes referred to as uniformed crew members. Oh, good. Uniformed. As opposed to this guy next to me in the Grateful Dead T-shirt and the F*** YOU hat, who' currently working on his ninth little bottle of Kahlua.

(if you wanna see more, go buy the book!)